For the fellas

Happy Father's Day!

I am so grateful for the good men in my life. While none of you is my actual dad, you've done so much good for my life.

 Maybe you're one of my brothers, father-in-law, brothers-in-law, some other male relative, friends, Sunday School teachers, regular school teachers, a friend's husband, mission president, a senior elder from Nebraska, an old bishop, a great boss, a friendly ward member, one of my friend's dad, or maybe I just babysat your kids. Let's not forget my husband--he's going to be a great daddy one day.

Whoever you are in that lineup, thank you for teaching me how to drive, scaring my boyfriends, encouraging me in my school work, reminding me not to settle for anything in my life, having fun with me, being a soundboard for all my crazy ideas and not thinking I'm weird, telling me that it was cool for me to go on a mission before it was cool, making me laugh, teaching me the birds and the bees (you know who you are), reassuring me that I could wear the boss skirt and be good at it, letting me cry on your shoulder for whatever reason (let's face it, there were a lot), inspiring me to know that I am a girl who can do anything, calling me before a surgery I didn't think I could handle, telling me I was beautiful on my wedding day, and always letting me that you're proud of me.

I love all the men who have filled that role in my life at various times. Because of you all, I rarely feel like I don't have a father. That means the world to me.

Dealbreakers from a Married Persepective

Hey Zack, I recently read your blog post about dealbreakers and my married 20/20 hindsight kicked in. I've thought a lot about this over the last few weeks and had many different experiences come to mind. So even though I don't live in the dating capital of Mormondom anymore and I've been married over two years and have lost my single street cred, I'm going to share some thoughts anyways.

I do think it's important to be aware of relationship dealbreakers. There are things that nobody should tolerate. Like abuse in it's various forms. Or a liar. Or manipulation. Or someone who is unfaithful to you. There are many things that don't have a place in a relationship or marriage. Hopefully that's not the kind of things most of us are considering as "is this too much or can I handle this?" If you see those things in someone you're dating, I hope you don't question that too long and make the right decision to end it.

Once you get through those things, dealbreakers can become pretty fluid. I don't particularly remember what all of my dealbreakers have been or at which age, but I'm sure they changed after each person I dated. What was important to me as an 18-year old was different than when I was 21, which was different from when I got married at 24.

So, if we as individuals change from year to year, what makes us so confident in today's dealbreakers? Choosing to love someone for the rest of your life is a choice and it's one you have to make every day.

After a couple months of dating Ryun I started faulting the heck out of our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I had a great time with him and I loved him and he's a wonderful person, but that didn't stop me from worrying about everything. Was he making me a better person? Would we be able to make a long term relationship work? Is he going to stay on the same spiritual path as me? When I got worried enough I started praying that God would let me know if I should continue this relationship. Either give me the green light or let's end this thing before it gets too painful. And you know what? Ryun is human and he did something that I didn't like, so I took that as my answer and we broke up.
Fortunately, I got some clarification a couple days later. It was something along the lines of God saying "Okay dummy, that was a little extreme. Why don't you think about what my answer really was?"

As I wallowed in my broken-hearted break-up misery and talked with a few relationship geniuses (a.k.a. people who'd been married a long time), I started thinking about things in a new light.


1) It is nobody else's job to make me a better person. I am in charge of my own relationship with God, not my boyfriend and not my future husband.

2) Being with a good person does make you a better person, but that's not something you can always see right away, partly because we don't know what to look for. A lot of guys complain that girls expect them to be their mission president. Without recognizing it, I was expecting that dating "the one" would somehow turn me into my mission president's wife. Less obvious, equally unrealistic.

3) If I'm smart enough to make a list of dealbreakers, why wasn't I smart enough to make a list of his most winning qualities?

That last one has become very important to me the longer I have been married. Of course we all have our faults, but my marriage is strongest when I see Ryun for all of his goodness. Since October our life has been a rollercoaster of emotion. Some of the most exciting things in our marriage have happened and then were followed by extremely painful ones. The nights when we've cried ourselves to sleep, the times Ryun has held my hand when he knew I needed it--not once during those times did I think about whether or not he had sworn that week, if he'd read his scriptures, or if I thought he'd really paid attention at church. I thought about how he intuitively knew the best way to comfort me, how I always felt comfortable to experience every emotion around him, how I always knew how he felt about me, and how I knew we were going to be okay because in the short time we'd been together I was a stronger person. Because I didn't marry my husband due to his lack of dealbreakers compared to other guys. I married him because of who we became and who we'll become together.
{we're awesome by the way}


Welp, there's lots more I could say in addition to the lots I've already said, but I'll leave it at that. Keep your eyes open for the things everyone should stay away from, but don't spend all of your energy looking for things you don't care for. You could miss finding out how great someone really is.

**disclaimer** my insecurities while dating my husband were not because of him. Ask any boy I've ever dated :) My husband is awesome!